336 Mastering Your Inner Voice and Overcoming the Crab Mentality with Hooman Motevalli | Partnering Leadership Global Thought Leader

***DISCLAIMER: Please note that the following AI-generated transcript may not be 100% accurate and could contain misspellings or errors.***

[00:00:00] Mahan Tavakoli: Hooman, Welcome to Partnering Leadership. I am thrilled to have you in this conversation with me. 

[00:00:06] Hooman Motevalli: Thanks a lot for having me. it's my pleasure. 

[00:00:09] Mahan Tavakoli: Can't wait to talk about your book. Don't be a crab, a practical guide to building strong, joyful relationships.

Before we get to that, Hooman, would love to know a little bit about you and your background. Whereabouts did you grow up and how did your upbringing impact the kind of person you've become? . 

[00:00:30] Hooman Motevalli: My childhood is somehow strange because of the situation. I was in Iran. So at the time of revolution very hectic days, a lot of chaos across the country. That was very challenging. An, after something like two years the war started 

my childhood was at that time of revolution and war, so 

when somebody's growing up always in chaos and crisis life be changed. 

[00:01:04] Mahan Tavakoli: So you had a lot of chaos in your world growing up, whether, with the revolution, with the war, the disappointments, that chaos in the external world, you have decided to That the internal world matters a lot. Your book talks a lot about that mindset and internal dialogue, which you talk about as a roommate.

So what brought you to a focus on the internal dialogue and the impact it has on us? 

[00:01:39] Hooman Motevalli: Yeah, a series of events in childhood. After the revolution of war, my father was in the Navy and all the time he was missing his friends, his close friends in the war. At that time, when I was seven, eight years old. It was too much , but these internal conversations affected my love probably. Much more than any other child. And after that he died and I was devastated. Because he asked me for some help and I was away and just Responded that I would back in two weeks and we go to a doctor or something like that. But he died the day after and I was shocked and the internal conversations continued so after my father's death. It was not possible to handle it longer anymore. So a trap etc. But it couldn't help me because even they didn't understand what's going on inside my head. So I started to write it on my internal conversations.

And after a while, I found that, Oh, okay. It's really toxic. What's going on in my head. And before that it was so normal to me. I'm talking to myself. So I have to do that, but I didn't know that it's so poisonous. After writing down, I found out, Oh, I'm not a normal guy. After all those events I'm sick and with this sickness, there isn't No other guys around me to help me. I have to put a lot of time working on my inner voice 

[00:03:14] Mahan Tavakoli: That inner voice that you talk about Hooman, you refer to it as a roommate that is with us all the time. How can we know whether That is an appropriate level of positivity or negativity or not. We all have that inner voice. It in many respects helps us improve as it helps us reflect on opportunities for improvement, seeking better life, seeking better things and guides us.

So what is. A negative inner voice that needs to be moderated versus an unrealistic, overly positive Inner voice that isn't helpful either. How can we determine whether our inner voice, that roommate is being helpful to us or not? 

[00:04:04] Hooman Motevalli: Yeah, very good question. Actually what I have done is devising a system to find this negativity or positivity.

So, before that, I would go to the roots by writing down all the conversations. So I  gathered 10 plus one fears and shared with readers in the book. Okay. that without considering these types of fears, you would not find how it works and why all the time is talking to you non stop.

And then I found that without specific exercises you would not overcome these fears. 11 fears. At that time, I would say that I have yes, two or three of them inside me. But after a while, I found that all of them are inside me. And then I found out, okay, all the negativity inside me or in there through internal conversations are coming from those fears.

For example, the very first exercise number zero is. don't act or react. You don't need to act or react in most of cases. And after a while my inner voice or the roommate was more silent. 

So 

what I did was that designing the system, working mostly on not to dos, because all of us have to dos lists and all the day, all the week, we are working on those to dos lists, but none of us have any not to dos list. So for example, number one of that not to dos list is 

stop blaming yourself and others. We are blaming ourselves, others, and also institutions, banks, restaurants, et cetera. So yeah, 10 plus one peers, 10 plus one exercising, 10 plus one not to do. So I found that, is the only way to remove that negativity and have a very healthy roommate.

[00:05:58] Mahan Tavakoli: I would love to touch both on the 10 plus one fears and then some of the 10 plus one not to do's the groups look at the 10 plus one fears, what are the ones that you see most often and are most pervasive in the executives that take the time to think about their fears, which are the fears that impact them the most that need to therefore be addressed in order to guide that roommate effectively.

. I found that could be, fear of failure.

[00:06:37] Hooman Motevalli: Mostly, it goes back to the idea that we don't care who we are. We care how we are seen and how others see us. Then it would be very important who I am much more important than how I am seen.

It's possible only when what you are doing is, , clear as Brennan Brown said, clear is kind. Unclear is unkind, but she never explained what is clarity. Okay, I'm pretty sure I am unkind because it's obvious I'm unclear. But what is clarity? I'm looking for clarity.

 So the number zero as a fear of failure. The other ones I've been working all the time on them is, , fear of love.

'cause this book is also about relationships. All the time people are trying to be loved or love someone from the time they are teenagers and it affects the capabilities, abilities.

 There are a lot of fears inside. But the ones which we are putting a lot of time and energy on them is fear of failure. And then what is connected to relationships  

[00:07:54] Mahan Tavakoli: I see that in a lot of the executives that I've worked with over the years.

And I coach who, man, that fear of failure, which you mentioned, it seems ingrained to a certain extent in the human condition. However, now the comparison that you mentioned is no longer with the few people in the tribe. It's not with a bunch of people on a street in a. Town. It's not even with people in the city at any moment in time, in part because of the  amplifications of social media.

There is constant comparison of every moment from the food we eat to the success we achieve in our organizations to the very highlights of people around us. the globe. So how do you guide executives to think about and overcome that need for the comparison and that fear of failure? 

[00:08:57] Hooman Motevalli: The very initial point to share with attendees in my program is that you have just two choices. Do you have to go for clarity or not? The very first point I just draw their attention is that 

it's about getting out of comfort zone and looking for clarity. 

So , the level one out of six levels, my program is. Being an observer, without observing all the time what's going on our heads, it's not possible to be clear.

Number one is observatory, and in the second level is going to be an  So we then analyze many of the conversations inside and it's surprising to most of people that what they are telling themselves.

 We are the products of what we are telling ourselves. So we are the stories we are telling ourselves. After being observer, And analyzer and then distinguisher, and then manager, and then a true server. You find real reason of life. 

[00:10:07] Mahan Tavakoli: It requires that self discovery that you talk about and it increases the self awareness, which. I find plays a role both in leading ourselves and in leading others as well, which is why I would love to get your thoughts in that we do need to think about our own roommate.

and managing our self talk, but how does this play a role in leading others and understanding that they each also have self talk? 

[00:10:43] Hooman Motevalli: Again, very nice question. It's a very special statement with Brenna Brown.

She says that what you are seeing from others It's the best they can at this moment. They cannot do better right now, exactly right now. So helps a lot to find ourselves not as a center of the world, but just seeing others what they are doing, the best.

 At this specific moment? 

[00:11:07] Mahan Tavakoli: We do spend a lot of time centering the world around us, and that ends up causing a lot of issues, whether it is with that self talk or leadership. Now, we'd love to briefly touch on your metaphor of the crab bucket. The title of your book is don't be a crab and how the crab bucket in your view applies in the workplace. 

[00:11:33] Hooman Motevalli: All the time mostly in countries like United States and also in Germany People are competing for improving their lives. What we are doing on a daily basis is for improving our life's quality.

That's why we are comparing ourselves and then from childhood to the time being a student. So we bring all of them to our workplace or workspace. 

So the title is don't, because I start with not to do's list. Don't do that. So don't be a crap or don't blame. So crab mentality is something that in our recent board is Getting more and more. It's worse than decades ago because the level of competition is higher right now.

Everything based on technologies progressing faster and faster. And then people Need bigger houses, much more facilities and amenities. That's why I would say that, we are much more confused than many years ago than a hundred years ago.

Yes, we have overcome many problems and we have created very new problems.

[00:12:47] Mahan Tavakoli: It is why for us to make progress at a time that I believe we are accelerating because of technology, because of AI, it's going to require. Both greater self understanding and for us not to be a crab, a very different view of our communities, and supporting each other.

Now, Humana,  in addition to your own book, are there books or resources you typically find yourself recommending as people want to master self understanding and self talk. 

[00:13:28] Hooman Motevalli: Yes, definitely. What helped me a lot in this regard is a book written by Michael Singer in Untethered Soul. It's a New York Times bestseller.

It was a very good book helping me in this regard about self talk and also Dare to Lead by Brenna Brown. It was about clarity. And there are a lot of good ideas there. And also think again with, Adam Grant it helps a lot, these three books.,

[00:13:57] Mahan Tavakoli: how can the audience find out more about you follow your work and find out about your book?

Don't be a crap. 

[00:14:05] Hooman Motevalli: So it is homan moval.com. It's h double O-M-A-N-M-O-T-E-V-A double l i.com. All my works and experiences publications and patents books. Articles are there. Also my link tree Oh, what I've done is on my website. 

[00:14:25] Mahan Tavakoli: I really appreciate the conversation and you.

Going through the journey yourself, Houman, and then sharing some of those insights with others so we can control that inner dialogue, have a better roommate along with us, and have a positive impact both on ourselves and on others as well, really appreciate you, Houman Motevalli.

[00:14:52] Hooman Motevalli: Thanks a lot for your time and attention. I really hope it will be helpful for your listeners.